Letting go

Letting go

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Saying goodbye to someone is difficult but not as difficult as saying goodbye to the former you.

Having to say farewell to the old me was one of the hardest but freeing

process I had to go through in processing my complex trauma.

I say these words now but believe me, for at least a year I would sit in my therapist’s office and say,

“I want the old me,” “I want the old me, “” I want the old me. “ 

As if saying it over and over again would make it magically come true.

well, I can say that simply did not happen.

After I revealed the sexual abuse that had taken place in my adopted home, everything changed overnight.

I woke up, and I could not leave my bed, little did I know that was just the start of my journey.

 In the months that followed I quickly became a shadow of myself.

The Kadijatu I once knew was no longer there, I could no longer function freely and without thought.

My mind had finally broken, and I could not blame it, for years I held

secrets that without knowing slowly ate away at me.

I had to go through the process of relearning how to function as my body and mind were battling to survive.

Through the struggle, I began to accept, the former me was not coming back.

Looking back now I had been kept in a cage bound by the fear of what could happen when the truth came out.

The secrets and lies I held had entangled me in a world that was livable but not a world I could ever thrive in.

in the midst of the rubble a beautiful transformation was happening, but only with time would I see what I know now.

Saying the secret out loud had freed me, it had allowed me to begin the process of grief that I desperately needed.

I had to grieve for a life that could have been and for the life I had.

If I had not gone on that painful journey, I wouldn’t have been able to break the chains that held me.

It took looking back in time to see how far I have walked to accomplished what I achieved.

Month by month I had slowly let go of my former self.

 Only now do I realise I couldn’t heal in the same environment I got sick in.

change was inevitable for me to find freedom.

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